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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365929">for now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyyhpt2/pseuds/hyyhpt2'>hyyhpt2</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, M/M, also mark ticks all the love languages here lmfao, but also the love has always been there, idk how to tag sorry, soft mahae, the love is just blooming, well not yet rly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:42:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyyhpt2/pseuds/hyyhpt2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>donghyuck and mark learn just how much they mean to each other right before donghyuck has to leave him for three years</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>one year ago</b>
</p><p>“I don’t think they’ll accept me,” Donghyuck sits idly on the edge of Mark’s bed. “One look at my application and it’s going straight to the trash can.”</p><p>The clicks from the keyboard continues and it ticks him off. “What’s the point if I’ll just embarrass myself.”</p><p>The clicking stops. Mark rotates the swivel chair away from the computer to look at his best friend sternly. “That’s why we’ve spent weeks proofreading it, didn’t we? So, you’d give off a good impression.”</p><p>“It’s not a good impression if they find out I’m a liar.”</p><p>“We’ve talked about this. You’re not a liar. You’re the lead singer of a band. <i>Our</i> band.”</p><p>“A band that’s three weeks old,” Donghyuck scoffs. “No one’s going to believe that. We don’t even have any songs out.”</p><p>“I’ve got our performances from last year’s talent show taped before as well as some group photos backstage. I’ve added that to your portfolio as proof,” Mark faces the screen again and Donghyuck can hear the confidence in his voice. “We’ll frame it as our humble beginnings.”</p><p>It’s silent for a while and it seems like Mark had finally won him over.</p><p>Donghyuck begins to bite his nails as he starts again, “My video’s not even that impressive. I’m sure I missed a few notes here and there,” His thoughts cloud him. “Plus, I look constipated and sweaty while singing in front of the camera.”</p><p>He hardly registers Mark leave his chair to sit beside him on the bed. Donghyuck feels Mark grab his hands and holds them against his lap. He stares at their hands together and only then does he notice that Mark’s waiting for him to look back. He looks up and sees the other smiling fondly at him.</p><p>“Donghyuck-ah. This program’s been your dream since middle school,” Mark lifts their hands between their chests and clasps it tighter. “I’m making a few last edits but other than that, we’re sending it off. We’re finally at the last stage.” </p><p>Donghyuck’s gaze waver and he’s staring at his lap once more. “Hey, no. Hyuck, look at me.” Mark’s voice turns soft. He’s using his gentle tone on him again. It’s the tone Mark uses when he wants to get something out of him. Consequently, it’s the same tone that convinced him he should apply for this stupid program in the first place. </p><p>And it’s the same tone he’s using at present, minutes before they send his aforementioned application.</p><p>“We’re doing this, right?”</p><p>Thinking about it, Donghyuck’s not entirely positive he’ll get accepted. Sure, he thinks he’s a good singer, better than most at their school if he’s bragging. But is he good enough to pass a music degree program in Europe? Donghyuck’s highly skeptical.</p><p>He’s brought back to reality when he realizes Mark’s waiting for an answer. He’s afraid he can’t give him a solid one.</p><p>They’ve known each other since they were kids and have been inseparable ever since. Despite this being one of the most important decisions in Donghyuck’s life, he still desperately needs his best friend to answer for him. </p><p>So, he looks at Mark and searches his eyes for any doubt. As expected, there isn’t any. Surprisingly, Mark’s eyes are filled with earnestness Donghyuck knows can only come from years of being each other’s best confidant. It’s the sincerity that makes Donghyuck cave. He nods.</p><p>Mark’s smile widens. “Then, you’ve got this. I believe in you.”</p><p>And that’s all Donghyuck needs to hear, really.</p><p>He drops Donghyuck’s hands and pats him on the shoulder before standing up from the bed to return to the computer. “Don’t worry. I’ve edited your video and minimized any background noise so your voice stands out. Also, you don’t look too bad in it.”</p><p>“Okay, enough. Don’t make me too talented it’s gonna be hard to believe.” Mark laughs. Donghyuck stares at his back faced towards him and he smiles.</p><p>He hears the keyboard click again and their conversation ends. Donghyuck finds the sound comforting.</p><p>He lays down on the bed, closes his eyes and hopes for the best.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>six months ago</b>
</p><p>Donghyuck barely has time to catch his breath as he runs across the front lawn of Mark’s house. He rings the doorbell as soon as he faces the front door. And when no one answers, he hurriedly bangs the door and calls out to Mark. After a few more knocks, he’s greeted by Mark’s mom, now sporting a worried look as she sees Donghyuck out of breath. “Donghyuck! Why are you sweating so much?” She steps backward, lets him in and closes the door behind him.</p><p>“Auntie, is Mark hyung around?” His chest rises and falls in exaggeration as he takes a moment to calm himself. </p><p>“He’s upstairs in his room. Will you be staying? I’ll bring you some water—” Donghyuck interrupts her, “There’s no need, Auntie! I’ll just be in his room.” He is kind of thirsty from all the running to get here, but the adrenaline shooting off from him outweighs all his other thoughts and he just really wants to see Mark right now. “Okay well, I’ll bring you some snacks in a while if you’re both hungry.”</p><p>Donghyuck thanks her before he dashes to Mark’s room. He clumsily trips while climbing up the stairs, and the pain shoots off his right foot but he ignores it. He reaches Mark’s door and he pauses. Donghyuck simply stands there, reveling the last few seconds before he gets to tell Mark about the best news he’s ever received, probably ever in his life. He grips the letter in his right hand and roughly pushes Mark’s door open. </p><p>He sees Mark sitting on his bed with his back towards Donghyuck, his guitar rests beside him. He’s wearing headphones so he doesn’t register Donghyuck running and tackling him against the bed in a rib-crushing hug.</p><p>Donghyuck hears Mark’s grunts as he’s pinned to the bed, “Hyuck? W-what are you doing here? Why are you so sweaty?” Mark gently holds Donghyuck by the waist as he removes his headphones around his neck and slowly pushes the guitar farther from them, giving them both more space on the bed. </p><p>Donghyuck pushes himself away from Mark’s chest, still on top of him, as he flashes the brightest smile Mark’s ever seen. “Hyung, I got in!”</p><p>Mark’s eyes expand almost comically. There’s a deafening silence before Donghyuck hears Mark half-whisper in disbelief, “What do you mean ‘in’? ‘In’ as in accepted?” Mark’s voice becomes a bit higher in excitement. Donghyuck nods enthusiastically as he sees Mark starting to smile back, even wider than his own. </p><p>He’s taken by surprise when Mark hugs him again, now both his hands gripping tightly around Donghyuck’s waist. “I-I’m so proud of you! I knew you could do it!” He feels Mark’s smile against his hair and he settles his head comfortably between Mark’s neck. He inhales contentedly and savors the moment.</p><p>He feels Mark slowly pushing his body away, “Let me see what they wrote.” And just like that, the moment is gone. They both shuffle around to lie down side by side on the bed. Donghyuck hands Mark the acceptance letter, a little bit crumpled now, and Mark fixes the creases before he stretches out his hands above their heads to read the letter silently. Donghyuck observes the way Mark’s eyes move as he reads the letter thoroughly, eyes shining bright and smile growing bigger. A thought passes his mind. </p><p>“You know, you should’ve sent your own application too,” Donghyuck suggests, still looking at Mark, “Bet you’ll get in. You’re better in this music thing than me.”</p><p>“I did. A year before you.” Mark reveals nonchalantly, like he hasn’t kept this from Donghyuck all this time.</p><p>“You—you did?” Donghyuck sits up abruptly in shock, “And you never told me?”</p><p>“It’s more your dream than mine, Hyuck.” By this time, Mark’s finished reading the letter and has also sat up but he isn’t looking at Donghyuck. He’s still staring at the letter. “It was just something spontaneous for me. I didn’t even take it seriously.”</p><p>“It must have meant something to you too if you applied,” He supplies. Still, he hears no response from Mark. Donghyuck struggles to make the mood light again. “C’mon, you’re the first one I told about me getting in and you can’t even tell your best friend you applied to the same program, even earlier than he did?” Donghyuck adds casually.</p><p>He lightheartedly nudges the other’s shoulder and Mark looks at Donghyuck only to see him looking back with a pout on his face. Mark laughs and the atmosphere lightens. “S’not important. We didn’t have the money for it and I realized studying abroad’s not my thing.” </p><p>“Still, you should’ve told me. We could’ve worked something out for your application, like how you did with me.” Donghyuck gently grabs the letter from Mark’s hands and folds it. “I could’ve been there with you in six months.”</p><p>“I didn’t pass, Hyuck. It was a fleeting thing. Plus, we’re celebrating you, anyway.”</p><p>“They didn’t accept you?” Donghyuck stands up from the bed, his voice a bit louder in shock. “You know what, thinking about it, I’m having doubts with this school.” He sits back down beside Mark on the bed, a fake frown plastered on his face.</p><p>“What?” Mark turns his head so fast, Donghyuck struggles to hold in his laugh, “Why?”</p><p>“Because you didn’t get in! How could they not accept you?”</p><p>“How are you so sure I’d be accepted in the first place?” Donghyuck hears the playfulness in Mark’s tone and he stares at him to see his hyung with a smirk on his face, challenging him to come up with an answer that satisifes. Thankfully, Donghyuck’s reply comes with ease.</p><p>“Hyung, you’re Mark Lee.” He answers earnestly, and he sees Mark’s eyes soften as he continues, “Yeah, you’re lame—” Mark snickers and Donghyuck feels his heart lighten seeing Mark’s grin, “—and I’m better than you in most things—” Then, Donghyuck’s tone becomes serious. “—but music’s the one thing I’m confident you’re better at than all of us. It comes naturally to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, you’re leaving in six months, huh.” Renjun’s words are barely understandable with food in his mouth as he browses over the acceptance letter during lunch. “I feel sorry for your future classmates there. They’re gonna endure you for three years. Thank God you can compensate with great singing, Haechan.” Donghyuck scoffs at the half-compliment he receives from Renjun.</p><p>“Quit holding it with your greasy hands and yes, I’ll be leaving you idiots in six months, so just admit it that you’ll miss me.” Donghyuck eyes the letter over his juice box just as Jaemin snatches it from Renjun.</p><p>He looks around the canteen to see if Mark’s already by his classmates’ table as he’s a year older. He feels uneasy seeing that Mark’s not and stares at the clock by the wall. There’s only a good half hour before lunch’s over and he’s nowhere to be found. Donghyuck’s attention is brought back to their table by Jeno’s voice.</p><p>“If you’re leaving, who’s going to sing in our band?” Jeno peers over Jaemin’s shoulders to read the letter along with him. “We don’t even have any real gigs yet and you’re telling us we might disband? I can’t believe I bought my own guitar for this.” Jeno sulks in his seat and stares blankly at his food.</p><p>“The band’s not real, Jeno. Mark hyung made it up so I’d look credible in my application. And I <i>did</i>, so the band’s served its purpose. But Renjun can take over if you’re so insistent.” </p><p>Jaemin hands Donghyuck the letter back. “What has Mark hyung said about this, anyway?”</p><p>“What do you mean? He’s the first one I told about me passing.” Donghyuck sips the last bits of juice and proceeds to crumple the box and set it aside on his tray. </p><p>“No, I mean, that you won’t finish senior year with us,” Jaemin adds.</p><p>Before Donghyuck could answer, he feels something tap his left shoulder. He turns around and is faced with Mark standing right behind him, just a few minutes before lunch ends. Mark greets the other three and they wave back as enthusiastically as they can. Donghyuck feels relieved to see him here. “Where have you been? Lunch’s almost over. Have you eaten yet?”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter. Can I borrow you for a while before the bell rings, though? I have something for you by my locker.” Mark’s eyes look serious so Donghyuck just nods obediently without asking him why.</p><p>“Hey, Mark hyung!” Jeno butts in. “We’re not going to disband, right? I’m already learning guitar and Jaemin can kinda read notes now. We can just replace Haechan with Renjun as lead singer for now, right?” Donghyuck turns his head and glares at Jeno to see the other smiling innocently towards Mark.</p><p>“Sure, if Renjun can handle both the drums and singing, why not?” Mark shares casually and Jeno cheers. </p><p>Donghyuck stands up from the table. “Jeno, I’m gonna deck you when I get back.” Jeno sticks out his tongue much to Donghyuck’s annoyance so he grabs Mark’s hands and they both rush out of the canteen before stopping by Mark’s locker. Donghyuck leans his weight against the locker beside Mark’s.</p><p>“I can’t believe I’m that easily replaceable to you, hyung.” Donghyuck accuses Mark but they both know there’s no fire with his words. </p><p>“I thought you didn’t believe in the band.” Mark questions him dismissively. </p><p>Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Whatever. You said you have something for me.”</p><p>“Ah, right. So, I talked to the office today and told them all about the program and that you passed—” Mark opens his locker and rummages inside it. “They told me you could somehow take some of the senior subjects while you’re there,” Mark seems to have found what he’s looking for and Donghyuck watches quietly as he fishes out a paper from the locker. </p><p>“So, I compared our subjects that could possibly match the subjects of the school you’re going to so it’d save you some time. The Korean subjects aren’t available so you’d still have to catch up when you come home,” He hands Donghyuck the paper and it’s revealed to be a list of the subjects he could take, spanned across all three years. “But apart from that, I think I’ve got everything covered in the list.” </p><p>Donghyuck’s unable to look at Mark so he focuses on reading the list instead. “Make sure you’ll ask once you’re there, though, ‘cause I might still be wrong. And please, try your best to pass the subjects or you’ll have a harder time once you’re back.”</p><p>He’s starting to feel small and his initial cockiness fades almost instantly. Mark’s done everything for him again. He hasn’t even thought about what comes after getting in, too engrossed with the idea of passing. He winces as he recalls that there’s so much to do. He’s literally moving his life for three years to another country and he knows shit about all this. But staring at the list in his hands, he’s so grateful that Mark’s already three steps ahead of him. And he’s not even the one moving away. He finally looks up at Mark, confused. “Why’d you do this, hyung?” Donghyuck asks gently.</p><p>“Because I’m a senior, Hyuck.” Mark returns his stare with a genuine glint. “I know what subjects you’ll be taking. You have to be ready.”</p><p>“No. What I meant was— why did you do <i>this</i>, hyung?” <i>For me?</i> Donghyuck wants to add but he stops himself.</p><p>“Because I want you to graduate as soon as you come back, Donghyuck,” Mark’s voice is so soft, like honey. “Also, the band can’t function as well without you in it. I just know Jeno’s going to ask me to make you come back when we try to get the band practices rolling again,” He’s smiling now and the sparkle in his eyes are still there. “The other three would want you to graduate as soon as possible too. So, catch up, okay?” </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>three months ago</b>
</p><p>Donghyuck rushes to Mark’s house one Saturday. <i>Come over.</i> He doesn’t know why Mark needs him but he’s climbing the stairs to Mark’s room ten minutes after receiving the text.</p><p>“What—” He doesn’t get to finish what he’s about to say because Mark’s already handing him a box as soon as he enters. “Open it.” He tells Donghyuck before sitting at the end of his bed, where he goes back to fixing his guitar.</p><p>He sits beside Mark on the bed and places the box on his lap. “What’s this again, hyung?”</p><p>“Just open it, okay? It’s nothing, really.” Mark’s tuning his guitar by Donghyuck’s side. If Donghyuck didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t notice Mark’s hands trembling slightly. <i>He’s nervous.</i> Donghyuck breathes deeply through his nose and wastes no time in opening the box. What greets him are a bunch of assorted things. What catches his attention first are the four large bottles of oriental medicinal pills. He grabs one and remembers right off the bat that it’s the same bottle of pills Mark has.</p><p>“Why are you giving me your pills, hyung? Finally realized they’re not as effective as you make them out to be?” Donghyuck can’t help but joke about this part of Mark no matter how old they become. He thinks it’s so funny Mark believes in taking medicine so much, which is ironic because Mark’s never been sick before while Donghyuck’s immunity is as whack as it can be. So really, he doesn’t get why Mark’s obsessed with taking them daily when he’s never needed them in the first place.</p><p>“Dumbass, I bought that for you.”</p><p><i>Oh.</i> “Four? What would I need four large bottles of pills for?”</p><p>“I don’t know how your body will cope when you’re in a different country but I know your body’s shit so…” Mark rests his guitar on the floor. He grabs the bottle from Donghyuck’s hands and returns it back to the box. “…four’s not enough for three years if you take them every day. So, just tell me when you’ve finished them and I’ll send you a new batch if you can’t find the same brand there.”</p><p>Donghyuck grips the box’s side and restrains himself from looking at Mark. He focuses on the other contents and spots a small nightlight, <i>designed like Eve from Wall-E.</i> Mark sees him lift it out of the box and he stutters, “A-ah, that. Haha.” He scratches his head and laughs nervously. “I just thought it would be cute that you have that beside your bed or when you need to study ‘cause you know, you love Wall-E.”</p><p>Donghyuck’s silent, which is so uncharacteristically him and yet, he doesn’t know how to respond to anything he’s hearing right now so he chooses not to ruin the moment. Mark’s rambling continues. “It actually came in a pair so like; I have the Wall-E nightlight with me here,” he points to his bedside, “and I’ve put it beside <i>my</i> bed too. You can choose not to use it if you want—” </p><p>“I’ll use it, hyung,” Donghyuck smiles sincerely. And he means it, even if the thing runs out of batteries or even when the lights in his room are on because his roommate has someone over and he can’t sleep. He’ll use it every night until it breaks.</p><p>“Oh, okay. Well, the last one there’s the real <i>gift</i>,” Mark points under the bottles and Donghyuck spots a 35mm film camera beneath them. “It’s secondhand and I bought it from Jaemin but it works really well. I tried it a few times.”</p><p>“Do you have a reason as well as to why you’re giving me a secondhand camera?” Donghyuck’s words are intimidating but his tone is so light and he can’t even hide his smile anymore. He’s so happy right now and the feeling’s bursting out of him. Mark fails to notice though and Donghyuck’s quite relieved. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t looked at his best friend like this ever. But now, he can’t look at Mark any other way. Not when Mark’s being so awkward and sweet and just plain <i>lovely.</i></p><p>“Yes,” Mark laughs and Donghyuck thinks it’s beautiful. “Berlin’s got so many museums and tourist spots and stuff like that, so I thought it’d be good that you get to collect pictures of the places you visit. So, we can talk about them when you come back.” Mark is so sweet and thoughtful and Donghyuck’s really lucked out in his best friend.</p><p>“You’ve really thought every gift through, haven’t you,” Donghyuck places the lid of the box back and sets it aside on the bed. He faces Mark and hugs him tightly, much to Mark’s surprise. “I’ll use them all, hyung. Thank you.”</p><p>He hears Mark sigh and giggle as the older rests his chin on his shoulder. “It’s nothing, Hyuck, really.” Donghyuck thinks it’s everything and something more but he doesn’t fight back and just enjoys their little bubble much longer.</p><p> </p><p>“Mark hyung, let’s go on a convenience store raid!” Donghyuck shouts to his phone. He hears Mark shuffle on his bed. “Hyuck, it’s— it’s past midnight and we have school tomorrow. Why are you calling?”</p><p>“I want ice cream, hyung.” Donghyuck pouts from his end of the call and hopes Mark hears the persistence in his voice.</p><p>“Can’t we just get ice cream after school later?” Mark replies but he hears him rustling around his room and he feels that Mark’s already changing his clothes.</p><p>Donghyuck persists, “But I want it now. Please, please, hyung.”</p><p>Silence. Then, “Fine. Meet me at the store in ten minutes and <i>don’t</i> get caught by your mom again or Auntie will have my head in the morning,” Mark agrees and Donghyuck squeals in delight. He hastily leaves his room and goes down the street to wait for Mark. After, a few minutes, he notices Mark walking lazily towards him, a yawn in his mouth. </p><p>They both enter the convenience store and are greeted by the man at the counter. They frequent this store so much ever since they were kids that they’re well known by the grandma who owns it and her son who mans during the late hours. It’s one of Donghyuck’s safe places. He can’t remember how many late-night store raids they’ve had. Spending school money on food they’d share between each other outside by the store’s benches, just talking. He can’t count how many of their fights have been resolved and how much ice cream they’ve consumed sitting in those same benches. No one holds this space with such a high regard other than him and Mark, and that’s what makes it so special, and so <i>theirs.</i></p><p>They’ve bought their ice creams and settled by the benches. No one’s talking for a while, too busy melting the ice cream in their mouths. “Why’d you want ice cream, Hyuck?” Mark asks him in between licks.</p><p>“I was craving,” Donghyuck lies under his breath.</p><p>“You’re never craving for this ice cream unless it’s something big, so just tell me,” Mark spots the lie and calls him out effortlessly. Donghyuck finishes his ice cream before he opens another one and starts eating again.</p><p>“The guys were talking about graduation again today. And I just realized—” Donghyuck stops eating and looks at Mark. “—I won’t be here for their graduation, or for <i>yours.</i>” He hears how fragile his voice comes out so he takes another bite of his ice cream to mask it.</p><p>“Do you want to be in my graduation?” Mark says curiously, finishing his second ice cream.</p><p>“What kind of question is that? Of course, I want to be there during your graduation. The problem is, I can’t be.”</p><p>“Well, that’s kind of what happens when you pass an important music program in a different country. You tend to miss other things,” Mark reasons.</p><p>Donghyuck huffs forcedly. “I wasn’t aware I won’t be here by the time you graduate, hyung. That wasn’t the plan.”</p><p>“The plan was you passing and doing that program, remember? When we talked about this on the rooftop—” Donghyuck’s mind flashes back to when they were eight and he told Mark about this cool music thing he wants to try when he gets older. Mark swore to him he’ll help him reach it and it’s been Donghyuck’s longest and most important dream ever since. “—we said no matter what it takes. My graduation’s nothing. It’s okay.” Mark reminds him. Donghyuck agreed to it when they were young because he didn’t think he’ll miss Mark’s graduation for it to happen. </p><p>“I know. But your graduation means something to <i>me</i>, hyung. You know, I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.” Donghyuck sighs in defeat. The street’s quiet save for the FM radio back in the store.</p><p>“Okay.” Mark’s looking at the street light across the store, a telling smile on his face.</p><p>“Okay?” Donghyuck looks at Mark in disbelief. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” </p><p>Mark nods. “If you can’t be in my graduation then that’s too bad, Hyuck-ah.” He stands up, starts grabbing their trash and heads to the trash can to throw them out. He begins walking away from the store.</p><p>“Wow, thanks a lot, Mark hyung! You really helped!” Donghyuck shouts sarcastically as he stands up and throws his trash too. Both of them head down the street back home and Donghyuck doesn’t bring it up again on their way back.</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck’s waiting outside Mark’s classroom as usual. He’s got at least a minute before Mark’s class ends and they go home together. He texts him that he’s waiting by the door but he gets no reply so he puts his phone back in his pocket. </p><p>Donghyuck hears the bell ring and he peeks inside the room to look for Mark. He sees Mark’s desk is already empty and he quickly shoots him a <i>‘Why aren’t you in your room? Where the fuck are you?’</i> text.</p><p>He hears someone calling him from behind, “Haechan-ah!” before his arm is grabbed by Renjun and soon, they’re both running towards the gym.</p><p>“What’s happening? Why are we running?” Donghyuck’s lungs feel like giving out. Surely, he wasn’t prepared to run and he can barely catch up. He hears Renjun shout, “Nothing important! Hurry!” </p><p>Once they reach the gym doors, Renjun stops running and pauses by the entrance. Donghyuck stops running as well and holds on to his knees, panting. “What the fuck are we doing, Renjun?” His chest’s rising and falling rapidly.</p><p>“Mark hyung’s graduation!” Renjun replies cheekily before he’s opening the doors.</p><p>“Mark hyung’s wha—” Donghyuck’s train of thought stops when he sees Jeno and Jaemin at the center of the gymnasium, holding three bouquets, smiling. The next second, Donghyuck’s being pulled by Renjun to the center as well. He’s staring at them before he hears someone behind him clear his throat.</p><p>He turns around and sees Mark in his uniform, holding two more bouquets. “<i>Hyung—</i>” Donghyuck’s voice shake and he’s unable to speak any further, too shocked.</p><p>“You said you want to be in my graduation. So, I’ll graduate for you right now,” Mark smiles charmingly. “Also, you get to experience graduating with the kids too. Well, not exactly. But you’ll look as if you’ve graduated with them.” Donghyuck turns around again to look at Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin, now with matching bouquets in their hands.</p><p>“Mark hyung told us you were being lame and sad about not graduating with us so he thought what if we staged fake graduation photos!” Jeno explains through his grin, shaking the bouquet in enthusiasm. Donghyuck can’t even be annoyed at his face right now. He’s too overwhelmed with what’s going on around him.</p><p>Jaemin holds the camera dangling from his neck and takes a photo of Donghyuck’s stunned face, and the others laugh but Donghyuck doesn’t care. He faces Mark again and he’s still smiling back at him. </p><p>“Happy graduation, <i>Donghyuck-ah.</i>” Mark hands him a bouquet, which he receives with trembling hands.</p><p>“Hurry! Let’s fake-graduate before someone else sees us here!” Renjun yells and they all gather to take pictures. A few shots of Mark alone, then with the other guys. After, Mark takes plenty of shots of Donghyuck with the other three too. Donghyuck still hasn’t fully grasped what’s happening. He feels like he isn’t moving on his own terms, too dazed to think for himself.</p><p>“Last shot! Mark hyung, Haechan!” Jaemin grabs the camera from Mark’s hands and pushes him towards the center. Same goes for Donghyuck, as he’s pushed by Jeno. They both meet at the center and they awkwardly stand there for a while, not used to the attention.</p><p>“Thank you, hyung,” Donghyuck forces it out of himself. He doesn’t know what else to say except that, really. Mark’s somehow found a way to solve his worries again without breaking a sweat. Like how he’s always done.</p><p>“Wait, are you actually <i>shy</i> right now?” Mark jokes, and Donghyuck covers his face with the bouquet before lowering them again when he feels Mark wrap an arm around his shoulder. “If you don’t know how to thank me, just treat all of us dinner before you leave.” Donghyuck nods passively and gazes at Mark to see him gazing back. </p><p>“After three, okay! Smile, Mark hyung!” Jaemin shouts and Mark faces forward, flashes a big smile on his face. “Cheese!” Donghyuck’s confident the photo will reveal he’s still looking at Mark after three. How could he not, when he’s got the most amazing best friend.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>a month ago</b>
</p><p>“Hyung!” Donghyuck spots Mark on his phone standing by the convenience store, waiting for him. He jogs up to Mark as the other pockets his phone. “The one time that dinner’s my treat and you’re this early?” Donghyuck’s saved up a lot so he could treat them all before he leaves. </p><p>Mark just grins and ignores Donghyuck’s teasing as he puts his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder. “The other kids are waiting for us already. I think they’re more excited than me.”</p><p>“Of course, they’re more excited. I’m only going to treat them once and never again.” They start walking the familiar street. They’ve walked down this road so many times. Tonight, however, it feels like they’re taking their time, Mark especially. Donghyuck follows his agonizingly slow pace. “Uh hyung, aren’t we gonna hurry? You said the others were already—”</p><p>“I already texted them we’d be a little late. So, just walk with me for a bit.” That shuts Donghyuck up. Mark removes his arm from the other’s shoulder and puts his hands in his pockets. They don’t speak and for a moment, it’s just the busy rustling of the street. Then Mark starts, “Only a month left. You nervous?”</p><p>“Me? Nervous? More like excited,” Donghyuck scoffs. “Why?”</p><p>“Nothing. Just—” Mark scratches his head, blinks too much it almost looks uncomfortable. He looks forward and evades Donghyuck’ stare. “I thought you’d be scared,” Mark laughs nervously. “I guess I was wrong.”</p><p>“Hyung, why would I be scared when I’ve wanted this for so long, remember?” Donghyuck sees Mark nod slowly from his peripheral vision. “I’m— I’m ready, hyung. I still have to learn how to speak some German or something but, yeah.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.” Mark’s voice shakes nervously and silence follows right after. Donghyuck starts to feel an awkward air between them but he doesn’t understand where it’s coming from, so he brushes it off and focuses on the street.</p><p>“Man, I’m gonna miss this street. We’ve walked through this street every day and I didn’t even notice it changed a bit.” Donghyuck continues, looking at the new stores down the road. “Good thing the old convenience store’s still the same. Maybe that’s why I never noticed.”</p><p>Mark laughs. “That’s because we never bothered to visit any other shops here. The chocolate-covered vanilla ice cream in that store’s got you so hooked I’m amazed the owner gives it to you for free sometimes.”</p><p>Donghyuck’s eyes widen as he remembers. “Oh my god, I’m gonna miss that so much! Buy them tomorrow for me, hyung. I haven’t even left yet and I’m already missing it.”</p><p>“Well, I hope that’s not the only thing you’ll miss.”</p><p>“Literally, what else would I miss? That’s the best fucking thing you introduced me to. I don’t think any other ice cream has ever compared.” Donghyuck finds himself pouting thinking about the dessert and he feels his mouth water. They really need to get to the restaurant as soon as possible.</p><p>Their conversation ends as Mark’s phone rings from his pocket. He fishes it out and looks at the text he received. “Ah, we have to hurry. I think Renjun’s freaking out. They haven’t ordered anything yet and the owner’s looking at them funny ‘cause they’re occupying the big table.”</p><p> </p><p>“Finally! Where have you been?” Renjun stands up from his seat as soon as he spots Mark and Donghyuck approach their table. “You owe us extra side dishes since you’re late.”</p><p>“Wha-! Mark hyung was walking so slowly, what was I supposed to do?” Donghyuck whines and proceeds to sit beside Renjun. Mark follows and sits across Donghyuck. “It’s okay. I’ll pay for the side dishes, Renjun.” Mark smiles and they all start to order.</p><p>Everybody looks pleased with the table full of the dishes they picked. “And this is why they’re the best ramen place ever. They never back down with quantity. Thank you for the food!” Donghyuck shouts as he stuffs his mouth with a piece of donkatsu. Soon after, everyone’s occupied with eating. </p><p>“Haechan.” Jaemin pours himself a drink. “I developed the film photos from the fake graduation we did. Do you want to bring some for your room there?”</p><p>“And feel like a sap whenever I look at it? Yeah, no thanks.” Donghyuck snickers.</p><p>“Just admit that you’ll miss us and pack a photo or two, Haechan-ah.” Jeno teases him and Donghyuck steals a chunk of beef from his plate as revenge.</p><p>“Why not? We did that whole thing so you won’t feel like you’re missing out.” Mark chimes in.</p><p>“I’m not gonna miss out, hyung. You’ll still call me when these guys graduate and we’ll do the catching up, by then. I’ll be <i>fine.</i>” He prolongs the ‘fine’ to emphasize to Mark that he’s going to be alright. He really doesn’t want to address the issue of missing them because it still hasn’t hit him as hard as he expects it to. And right now, Donghyuck just wants to enjoy the first and last meal he’s paying for them before he leaves for a while.</p><p>“Aw, don’t be sad Channie. We’ll take so many pictures during graduation and leave a space for you in them,” Jeno adds jokingly, unbeknownst to him that he’s riling Donghyuck up. “You can edit yourself in the pictures and cry in your dorm room after.”</p><p>“Who says I’ll cry for you, idiots?” Donghyuck bites back. “Ugh, seriously, I can’t wait to get out of here and leave every single one of you.” Donghyuck says indifferently, chewing on the last piece of sushi he has. “I just know my life’s gonna get so much better the moment I step on that plane and it takes off like, I’m sure,” Donghyuck can’t seem to stop himself from talking. “For three years, I won’t have to see your dumb face in a default smile or Jaemin taking embarrassing stolen pictures of me or Renjun bugging me about his assignments all the time when I haven’t even done mine in the first place.”</p><p>He playfully exchanges looks with the other three. “And no more Mark hyung. Oh, Berlin’s going to be <i>heaven.</i>” </p><p>He looks up from his plate giggling and meets Mark’s eyes across the table. Mark has stopped eating and is just staring at him now, so Donghyuck opens his mouth in confusion, food in his mouth, “What? Want the sushi?” He chews and gulps the food exaggeratedly, “Sorry, Mark hyung! You can buy more but the next order’s on you,” Donghyuck teases. Mark’s still looking at him weirdly. </p><p>Then, Mark bows his head to look back at his plate, and continues eating. He doesn’t get to talk to Mark for the rest of the night, but he chooses to think nothing of it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>two weeks ago</b>
</p><p>Donghyuck’s pretty sure Mark is avoiding them, well, him specifically. He doesn’t sit by their table during lunch anymore, which is strange considering he’s sat with them more times than with his own classmates this school year. Mark hasn’t visited his house in two weeks either and when he visits Mark’s house, he’s always busy or unavailable or can’t talk at the moment. He’s asked Jaemin if Mark’s been talking to him and he says yes and it’s the same case for Jeno and Renjun, too. Nobody seems to notice that Mark’s not speaking to him. <i>So, it’s only me he’s ignoring.</i></p><p>He has tried cornering Mark several times; like waiting by the older’s classroom after classes, for example. Donghyuck finds this one to be tricky because for some reason, Mark’s out of his sight as soon as the bell rings. He’s also tried walking their street at night, the same one they both always tread when they’re on their late-night convenience store raid. He’s pretty sure he catches a glimpse of Mark one night. But when he shamelessly follows the figure down the street, it disappears just as quickly as he sees him, leading Donghyuck to think he’s just hallucinating and feels even more frustrated with himself.</p><p>His flight’s just around the corner and suddenly, without him even knowing why, Mark’s out of reach. He needs him near before he leaves. In the end, Donghyuck resorts to an act of desperation. He calls for an immediate meeting at Renjun’s place about the band. He makes up an excuse about settling band positions once and for all, and that everybody should be there, as it’s the last meeting before he leaves. In all honesty, he’s not entirely confident if Mark will even come. But he knows Mark doesn’t want the rest to know about a possible ‘falling out’ (he doesn’t even know if he can call it that) between them because it will cause chaos, so he remains optimistic.</p><p>His hopes do not betray him when he sees Mark enter Renjun’s room, the last to arrive. However, he avoids Donghyuck’s stare and settles himself beside Jeno instead. He can’t believe the others can’t feel the tension in the air when it’s been weighing Donghyuck down for weeks.</p><p>“So, Haechan-ah, what did you wanna say?” Jaemin interrupts his thoughts and ah yes, he has to follow through with the excuse he made up.</p><p>“Well, as we all know I’ll be leaving in two weeks,” Donghyuck purposely looks at Mark to see if he’s evoked any reaction from him and he’s disappointed to see that Mark looks unfazed. “Let’s just make it formal. Renjun’s gonna replace me as the vocalist, right? Is it permanent or like, just during my program thingy?”</p><p>“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Renjun looks back and forth between Donghyuck and the others. “It would be hard to do both drums and singing at the same time. I’m not even that good at playing yet so this is totally a bad move.”</p><p>“But you’re the only other person who sings in the band, save for Mark hyung—” Donghyuck feels weird hearing himself say Mark’s name when they haven’t as much acknowledged the other’s presence so far. This time, though, he sees Mark flinch a little from hearing his name roll off Donghyuck’s tongue. Donghyuck’s stomach twists as he realizes Mark’s affected by him too. He continues, directly addressing him now, “—but if Mark hyung’s fine with being vocalist then—”</p><p>“No. Renjun, you’re better at singing than me. We’ll practice how you’ll play the drums and through time, you’ll get better with doing both simultaneously, trust me.” Mark interrupts him but he’s looking at Renjun and it makes Donghyuck’s skin itch. His patience is growing thin. They’ve been playing this silly game of hide-and-seek for weeks and he’s not getting anywhere with Mark.</p><p>“Fine. Then, are the positions permanent then?” Donghyuck asks bluntly, getting braver. He’s only looking at Mark now.</p><p>“Of course not! Once, you’re back we’ll share the vocalist position. That’s what was agreed before.” Renjun reassures Donghyuck but he’s not listening anymore.</p><p>“Mark hyung, are the band positions permanent or not?” He sees Mark’s eyes widen after he gets called out. “Seeing as you’re the one who insisted we continue with the band, you can be the one to tell me,” Donghyuck’s voice doesn’t waiver and it scares him that he might not be able to control his words, “Do I still have a spot in the band when I come back?”</p><p>The room grows silent as the other guys take in what’s really happening. Donghyuck doesn’t care anymore, whether they get what’s going on or not because enough is enough and he’s not wasting any more time in silence. Mark looks up and meets his eyes, the first time in a while, and it sends shivers down Donghyuck’s spine.</p><p>“That depends, will you want to come back to the band after your beloved program? Or will you be too good for us by then?” Mark’s tone is so condescending it makes Donghyuck see red.</p><p>“<i>Too good,</i>” Donghyuck scoffs and he can’t hear his thoughts over his voice getting louder, “What does that even mean?”</p><p>“Woah. Let’s— Let’s calm down for a while, okay?” Jeno stands up from his seat and walks to the center of the room, right between Donghyuck and Mark’s line of sight, and blocks them both from seeing each other. “We get it, three years is a long time and some things might change. But the band stays, okay? That means you too, Haechan.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m not sure about that. I wouldn’t want to come back if Mark’s not happy about it.” He’s aware his words are getting too pointed now but he can’t stop himself to save his life. Just having Mark in the same space turns Donghyuck’s brain to mush these days and he can’t understand why. </p><p>It’s quiet for a few moments before Mark stands up and grabs his bag from the floor. All eyes are on him as he walks towards the door, opens it and wordlessly shuts it behind his back.</p><p>“Uhm, what the <i>fuck</i> just happened?” Jeno faces Donghyuck, confusion etched in his face. Donghyuck just shrugs, as if he’s unaffected.</p><p>“Well, whatever it is, you need to fix it between the two of you. You’re leaving in a few days, and we won’t see each other for a long time,” Jaemin reminds him calmly. “You won’t <i>see</i> Mark hyung for a long time.”</p><p>Donghyuck dawns upon that realization and it’s something he simply can’t accept. Especially when he doesn’t know what’s happening with them either. Did he say something wrong? Everything was okay and then a few weeks before he leaves, everything goes to shit? And Mark’s not talking to him? He can’t accept that.</p><p>“Ugh, I don’t get it!” He groans dramatically and flops exhaustingly on the bed, grabbing the first pillow he touches and covers his face to groan some more. “Why is Mark hyung acting like this right now? Why?!”</p><p>“No offense, but that sounds like a you problem so like— Ow!” Donghyuck throws the pillow at Jeno who receives it through his face. “What I was about to say is talk to him in private and not with us! It’s obvious he won’t tell you when we’re here ‘cause that’s <i>your</i> problem with him, idiot.”</p><p>“How do I do that when he doesn’t want to talk to me?” Donghyuck lifts his body from the bed using his elbows, eyebrows creasing.</p><p>“Like I said, that’s a <i>you</i> problem now. You’re his best friend. You know him better than us. You know how to get him to talk.” Donghyuck’s not entirely sure about that right now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>the night before</b>
</p><p>Everything’s all set for tomorrow. Donghyuck’s triple-checked his luggage and the backpack he’s carrying. His outfit for the airport’s hanging by his closet. He’s sent all the sappy goodbye messages to his friends and received their heartfelt replies. It almost feels like he’s turning over a new page in his book of life. Except he still hasn’t talked to Mark and time’s ticking like a bomb. It’s the last thing he has to do before he leaves. But just like how Mark’s been a pain in the ass for Donghyuck ever since they were kids, he still remains as Donghyuck’s biggest headache. He’s nowhere to be found.</p><p>Donghyuck went over to Mark’s house and his mom tells him that Mark just said he’ll be going out and he’ll be staying late. Mark’s mom thought it’s because he’ll be helping Donghyuck pack so she just lets him be. It hurts to lie to her but it’s better than to admit that Donghyuck has no idea where Mark is too. He’s texted the others to ask if they knew where Mark was and he’s met with a few sad face emojis from Jaemin and one <i>‘Why are you still stressing about Mark hyung a night before you leave?’</i> from Jeno and honestly, Donghyuck doesn’t know how to answer him as well, so he doesn’t reply.</p><p>Now, he’s tucked in bed, mind still racing and unable to sleep. He closes his eyes and goes over his last conversations with Mark before it all went wrong. He can’t help but think that the program’s the only thing they’ve been busy about for months now. And so Donghyuck’s brain brings him back to their first meeting, back when both of their families still didn’t have their own houses side by side. When they’re still in the same apartment complex and Mark used to visit him for playdates. When Donghyuck first told Mark about his dream to get accepted in the program—</p><p>Donghyuck sits up on his bed so fast he’s seeing stars but it doesn’t matter because he knows where Mark is. He quickly changes from his pajamas and quietly goes down to the front door before he dashes outside and runs. He runs until his legs feel like they’re going to give out. He’s not sure if Mark’s still there but he has to try. And if he’s not then, he’ll have to live without Mark Lee for three years. It sounds easy in his head but he’s wishing so desperately that that’s not the case because he knows he can’t.</p><p>He reaches the place and sneaks to the fire exit at the back before he’s running up the staircase. When he reaches the very last step, he’s come face to face with a door. Donghyuck holds the cold doorknob and he notices how his hands cover it entirely. It feels a lot different than it was ten years ago, when he last visited this place. He was with Mark then. He hopes that tonight, he gets to be with Mark too. He takes a deep breath and opens the door to the rooftop. It’s a bit dark and Donghyuck’s eyes adjust to the familiar scenery before he spots a head turn towards his direction. Then he notices a figure at the one corner of the rooftop. <i>Mark.</i></p><p>Donghyuck feels something tug at his heart because he’s amazed that Mark’s here. That he’s right about him being on the rooftop of their childhood apartment. And that Mark Lee would be here, at the same place where Donghyuck told him about his dream ten years ago, a night before Donghyuck leaves to pursue that very same dream. He can’t believe that Mark’s a sap like that. <i>There’s no one else like him.</i></p><p>“H-Hyuck? Why are you here? Your flight’s early tomorrow.” Mark’s looking at him in surprise. He barely sees the dread in Mark’s eyes but it’s present, so Donghyuck decides to keep a few good feet away from Mark and stand there.</p><p>“I’m here ‘cause you’re here. We need to talk.” Donghyuck’s panting from the run he had up the flight of stairs. He doesn’t recall their old apartment building to be that high. He and Mark would use to race up the rooftop like it was nothing. But maybe, it’s because he’s a lot older now. Everything’s changed, or changing.</p><p>“There’s nothing to talk about, Hyuck. Go home. Your mom will kill me once she learns that you’re here. I cannot have your mom mad at me while you’re away.” Mark’s tone regresses into passivity again. He’s acting like he doesn’t care but his words betray him and it infuriates Donghyuck.</p><p>“My mom loves you; she won’t kill you. I, on the other hand, am having very bad thoughts every second longer that you keep this act up.”</p><p>“Act, what act? There’s no act, Hyuck.” Mark’s jaw clenches and Donghyuck knows that’s what he does unconsciously when he’s lying so he presses further.</p><p>“What did I do wrong?” Nothing. “Did I say something to piss you off?” Nothing. “Is it about me leaving?” Mark’s jaw clenches again. <i>Bingo.</i></p><p>“What about me leaving? I’ve packed everything you gave me in my suitcase. I’ve double-checked the list of subjects. We said we’ll video call every other night if possible. If not, just whenever we’re both free. But we shouldn’t go over a month without talking. I made you promise you’ll answer every question I have about my music subjects.”</p><p>“It’s not about the program, Dongh—”</p><p>“Then what is it, Mark!” Donghyuck shouts and he feels his mouth’s too dry from being the only one talking. “What is it about me that has you with a stick up your ass, huh?”</p><p>“Stop being fucking stubborn and go home, Hyuck.” He rarely hears Mark curse at him and Donghyuck’s starting to lose his mind. Mark’s really pushing him over the edge tonight. And since it’s their last night together, Donghyuck’s not giving up without a fight.</p><p>“Stubborn? Yeah, I’m fucking stubborn. So, too bad for you, hyung. I’m not leaving this rooftop until you talk to me properly. And if that means missing my flight, then—” Donghyuck crosses his arms in protest, “I’m missing my flight.”</p><p>“Why are you being difficult, Hyuck?” Mark sighs exasperatedly.</p><p>“Me? I’m the one—” Donghyuck scoffs in disbelief. He can’t believe he’s hearing this from Mark. “You’re the one being difficult!” He’s shouting at him now, at how callous he’s being.</p><p>It surprises Donghyuck because he’s never raised his voice at Mark. They were never in this kind of situation, at least not in the fourteen years they’ve been together. And he didn’t think they’d ever reach this point. But now that they’re here, it seems like yelling’s all he can do to get his point across. It gets Mark to stop talking but right now he’s looking anywhere but at Donghyuck, and it aggravates him even more. Donghyuck lowers his voice and takes a deep breath before he starts.</p><p>“You’ve been distant for the past two weeks,” His voice is shaking. “You don’t reply to my texts. You don’t pick up my calls or meet me by your classroom’s door like what we always do before going home. The other guys say you talk to them when I haven’t heard anything from you for days.” He looks down at his hands to see that they’re both shaking too. “Whenever I visit your house, Auntie says you’re either busy or not around—” Donghyuck laughs sarcastically, “—which is what I don’t get. Why would you would make Auntie lie like that to me? I see your window, Mark. I know you’re in your room all the time.”</p><p>“Where are you going with this?” </p><p>“Why the fuck have <i>you</i> been avoiding me?” Straight to the point it is, then.</p><p>Mark wasn’t expecting Donghyuck to be so straightforward that he suddenly looks like a deer caught in headlights and it gives his cold demeanor away. “I-I’m not avoiding you,” He pointedly denies but says nothing more to defend himself. Staring at Mark right now, with his jaw clenched and hands in his pockets, he’s never looked so small and fragile in Donghyuck’s eyes. He wants to soothe the anxiety in Mark’s face.</p><p>The crisp September air hits Donghyuck’s throat in an unpleasant manner and his nose grows numb with the breeze. He just wants to get this over with so he can go down from this rooftop.</p><p>“I’m leaving tomorrow, Mark.” Donghyuck senses they’re both tired, him even more so. He hasn’t slept well in weeks thinking about the program. <i>Thinking about Mark.</i> “We won’t see each other for three years.” He pauses as he sees Mark’s eyebrows meet. Mark doesn’t want to talk about it. Mentioning the program has unexpectedly become taboo for them, Donghyuck accepts.</p><p>“Is this how you want things to be like between us?” </p><p>The moment the question leaves his mouth, Donghyuck knows he already regrets asking it. He’s not thinking straight right now, with the cold muddling his brain. It’s scary how fourteen years of friendship can go down the drain in weeks, without both of them even grasping why. Between the two weeks’ worth of hostility and his flight tomorrow, he’s afraid Mark’s going to answer yes. That he’ll choose to settle with the uncertainty in their friendship because it’s easier than confronting whatever his issue is. And that he’ll leave the rooftop without a best friend. But what frightens Donghyuck even more is the dawning fact that he knows he’ll follow through with it because if he’s being honest, he’ll do anything for Mark. It’s a no-brainer.</p><p>“No!” Mark shuts down his fears with swiftness. Donghyuck sighs with relief.</p><p>“Then tell me, Mark,” He’s pleading now, weak. “Is it about the program?” It’s been the elephant in the room that’s been set aside because both of them aren’t ready to confront it. Tonight, for the sake of his sanity, Donghyuck decides he’s braver.</p><p>Mark’s been silent all this time but Donghyuck sees the subtle shift of emotions from indifference to a pained expression that he knows he’s hit a nerve. He soldiers on.</p><p>“Is it because I got accepted?” He’s scared to continue. </p><p>Mark faces his body towards him but he’s still not looking at Donghyuck. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Were you jealous that I… that I got in?” <i>And you didn’t?</i></p><p>“Wha—”</p><p>“Because if you are, I didn’t mean to brag about it.” Now, Donghyuck’s the one unable to look. “You should’ve told me you weren’t comfortable talking about the program. I would’ve shut up.”</p><p>“Where is this even coming from, Hyuck?”</p><p>“Ever since I got accepted, you’ve been acting weird. I kept wondering how is it that you’re so caring the past five months but now that we’re only two weeks away, you’ve suddenly grown so hostile?” Donghyuck feels his breath shorten so he slows down and gathers his thoughts again. </p><p>He hates that he’s bottled things up because he’s never needed to before. With Mark, he’s unfiltered. There’s no need for confrontations because he can just say anything and he’s confident he’ll be heard. Nothing is too big or too small for Mark to understand. To Mark, every word Donghyuck says is as important as the things he communicates silently. Right now, however, Donghyuck feels like he’s talking to a wall.</p><p>“I figured it’s because the program’s getting nearer and hearing me talk about it is making you remember that you could’ve been in my place too,” Donghyuck murmurs, his voice softens and he sounds apologetic. “And I get it, Mark. I do. I wish you’re there with me. And the program’s a fool for—”</p><p>“I didn’t pass, Hyuck.”</p><p>“I know that. But—”</p><p>“I never submitted mine.” Donghyuck stills and looks up at Mark to find the other boy already looking at him, finally. “I told you, it wasn’t for me.”</p><p>“Did you really believe that? That I’d be jealous of you?” Mark says incredulously.</p><p>“I don’t know, okay! You weren’t talking to me for so long I—” He’s averted his eyes to the ground, too ashamed of what he just blurted out. Now that he’s heard his thoughts out loud, Donghyuck does think they’re a bit too over the top. “I didn’t know what to think.”</p><p>“Hyuck,” Mark’s voice is so gentle it’s its own music. “I’m really happy for you, okay? You, of all people, should know that the most.” Donghyuck doesn’t know what to respond so he stays quiet. </p><p>But then he overhears Mark laugh, a little too long for Donghyuck’s comfort, “What?”</p><p>“Nothing,” but he’s still laughing and it sounds so empty. “It’s nothing.”</p><p>“Spit it out, Mark.”</p><p>“I just realized something.” Mark whispers, like he wasn’t really addressing anyone with it. Donghyuck thinks he’s not going to say anything further and he grows impatient. “Mark.”</p><p>“I don’t know, I guess,” Mark stops laughing and looks out at the view before them. He’s quiet again, but his body looks calmer now, more at peace.</p><p>“I’m having a hard time letting you go,” Mark exhales as he stares back at Donghyuck with his eyes shining, reflecting the city lights far away. He smiles genuinely, but it’s not reaching his eyes.</p><p>Donghyuck’s lips tremble as he looks back at his best friend. The blunt honesty from Mark warms his heart and he listens.</p><p>“You deserve to go to Berlin and study music. I always knew you were meant to be great in it, Hyuck,” Mark chuckles lowly, “I saw it in your eyes the first time you told me about this program when we were kids, on this same rooftop, and I still see it now.” Mark is back to staring at the city’s skyline and Donghyuck finds him mesmerizing, all grown up and unabashedly vulnerable, so he takes the opportunity to drink him in.</p><p>“And I’ve made my peace with the fact that we’ll be separated for a while. I just— I just didn’t expect it to hit me this hard this soon.” He catches Mark’s voice falter and Donghyuck walks closer to where he is because he just <i>has</i> to be near him, in their last night together, for what will feel like eternity after. </p><p>“Hell, I don’t care that you talk about it endlessly; I was so proud of you. But one day, you said you can’t wait to get out of here and that everything’s going to be so much better for you when you’re there—” Donghyuck’s memory flashes back to ramen place, “—and I’m sure you mean nothing by it but it struck me how far away you’ll really be.” Mark continues rambling.</p><p>“We’ll be existing differently and it terrifies me because I don’t know— how do I do this life thing by myself?” Mark briefly glances back at Donghyuck and the distant lights gloss over the faint tear streaks wetting his cheeks. “Tell me, Hyuck, how am I supposed to live my life for the next three years without you annoying me?”</p><p>Donghyuck’s breathing so hard now, overwhelmed by Mark’s confession. Mark, someone who’s always been prepared for anything—ever so independent and reassured—anxious that his best friend will move on from their friendship and choose a stupid program over him. Donghyuck wants nothing more than to embrace him right this second.</p><p>Mark speaks again, wiping his cheeks harshly with the back of his hands. “I get it. You probably won’t miss me and you’ll have a good time—” Mark laughs in exhaustion. He sounds so tired it physically pains Donghyuck to see him like this. He rushes towards Mark and wraps his arms around him fiercely as he pulls him close and hugs him, finally. Just like he’s wanted to do ever since he reached the rooftop, just like what he’s wanted to do for weeks. Donghyuck rests his chin on Mark’s shoulders. </p><p>“Shut up, hyung. Please, just shut up, okay.” Slowly, he feels Mark embrace him too, so he hugs him even tighter. “You’re so fucking stupid. Like, you’re so dumb, oh my God. It’s just three years. Nothing’s going to happen to us. We’ll be fine.” Donghyuck barely finishes his words as his vision blurs and suddenly he starts to sob uncontrollably into Mark’s shoulders.</p><p>“Hyuck, are—are you okay?” Mark panics and is about to push him away gently but fails to as Donghyuck holds him unyieldingly. Donghyuck feels his legs lose power and he wordlessly give in and puts most of his weight on Mark. Mark gets the hint as he maneuvers both their bodies so they’re now kneeling on the rooftop floor, still hugging each other. Donghyuck still hasn’t stopped crying and he feels his lungs struggle as he catches his breath. Mark rubs his back lovingly.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Mark supplies, he carefully pushes Donghyuck away from his body to look at his face and wipe his tears away tenderly.</p><p>“Asshole, I’m scared too. I’ll be in a whole other country speaking a different language and you’re not there to protect me when they make fun of me for it.” Donghyuck says in intervals, his hot tears still overflowing.</p><p>“No one’s going to make fun of you. I downloaded a German translation app on your phone so you could just talk over that.” Mark sits them both down on the hard concrete and Donghyuck’s never been this close physically and at the same time, emotionally open to Mark before. He finds he’s content to be in the same space as him more than ever.</p><p>“See! You’re saying you’ll have a hard time without me when I’m basically nothing without you! How is that fair?” Mark hums softly and the atmosphere lightens a little bit. </p><p>Mark moves away from him completely and Donghyuck misses the warmth of having him close. He watches as Mark lies down on the concrete floor and stretches his legs. He closes his eyes and after a while, Donghyuck follows him and lies down as well.</p><p>In the serenity, Mark utters in a soft voice. “You’re right, we’ll be fine. I’ll make sure we will.” Donghyuck hears a promise.</p><p>Out of instinct, he reaches for Mark’s hand in the dark and meets it between their bodies. He intertwines their hands and caresses the other’s thumb lightly with his own. Without a word, he feels Mark’s hand tighten its grip around his.</p><p>His chest tenses and he feels like crying again. For the first time since they were four, Donghyuck finds himself not wanting to let go.</p><p>Donghyuck turns his head to stare at Mark—still with his eyes closed—and he decides to savor the chance to be able to look at Mark Lee this closely, as if he hasn’t had all the time in the world before. Now with the clock ticking, he’s being selfish about all the private moments he can have with Mark.</p><p>Donghyuck’s chest grows heavy as he delicately traces Mark’s features with his eyes. He memorizes them and in utter fear of losing it amongst all the other vivid memories he’s about to have, he chooses to safeguard them in his heart. He settles it somewhere deep where he knows Mark has long carved his place, has made his <i>home</i>. Something shifts in the air and Donghyuck chooses to ignore it in fear of losing his mind if he lets that passing thought conquer him in this moment. So, he settles to this realization. He realizes that everyone has their own security blanket, and in the comfort of their private space, he confronts the familiarity that Mark’s hands are <i>his.</i></p><p>“Berlin wouldn’t be the same without you in it, Mark hyung.”</p><p>“Wow,” Mark chuckles and opens his eyes. “Thanks, Hyuck. Pretty sure Seoul’s tired of your face, though.”</p><p>“Dumbass.” Mark laughs harder and for a moment, he regrets having to be apart from him for too long. Nothing’s going to change and Donghyuck’s committed to that. He’ll fight the world before he loses what he has with Mark for something as trivial as distance. They’re still holding each other’s hands. Donghyuck resists the urge to pull Mark closer and embrace him.</p><p>“You’re gonna do great there.”</p><p>Now it’s Donghyuck’s turn to laugh. He can’t fathom how badly he holds Mark’s words against his chest, clings to all of him, “Tell me something I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>day of departure</b>
</p><p>“Is this all you’re bringing?” Mark’s pulling Donghyuck’s luggage from his door to the car in front of the house. They barely had enough sleep after going down from the rooftop at dawn. However, Donghyuck’s feeling as light as a feather because he’s nothing but hopeful. He’s reaching his dreams and he’s got his best friend right there with him.</p><p>“Yup. That’s all,” He beams at Mark. They’re both grinning at each other like little kids. He’s not worried about leaving Korea anymore. He’ll call Mark a few hours after he lands and nothing’s going to change. “I’m sorry I can’t bring you to the airport with me. The car only has space for one chaperone and Mom insists she’s seeing me off.”</p><p>Mark shakes his head, as if to say it’s not a big deal. “Don’t forget this,” Mark gets something from his back pocket and hands him a photo. Donghyuck laughs when he sees it’s the one of both of them during the fake graduation. Mark’s smiling towards the camera and as expected, Donghyuck’s looking at Mark. But what surprises him is that he didn’t look shocked or dazed like he expected he would. </p><p>Instead, he’s smiling at Mark and his eyes shows so much that Donghyuck finds it a little bit hard to look at himself in the photo. He wishes Mark hasn’t noticed but then again, he also wishes Mark knows that’s how Donghyuck’s always looked at him. That’s how he’ll always look at him from now on, he thinks.</p><p>Mark comes closer and hugs him tightly. “Last hug, for now.” He feels Mark rub his back soothingly. “I’ll miss you.”</p><p>Donghyuck encircles his arms around Mark’s and hugs him back tighter. “I miss you already.” He decides he can be a little too honest today and rejoices his decision when he hears Mark laugh. They separate from each other and a spontaneous idea enters Donghyuck’s mind so he just goes <i>’fuck it.’</i> </p><p>He tiptoes a little bit and puts his hands on Mark’s shoulders before he plants a kiss on Mark’s cheek softly. After, he settles his feet back properly on the ground. He sees Mark’s eyes widen in surprise and Donghyuck’s heart is beating so loud he can hear it from his ears. “First kiss, for now?” Donghyuck stutters, hopeful.</p><p>Mark’s cheeks redden, mirroring Donghyuck’s, as his eyes start to crinkle from smiling so widely. God, Donghyuck wants to kiss him again. “Come back quickly.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the songs i was listening to while writing this:<br/>mark's song for hyuck - berlin by new politics<br/>hyuck's song for mark - seoul night 서울 밤 (ft. beenzino) by urban zakapa<br/>you are in love by taylor swift (big falling in love w ur bff vibes)<br/>and ofc, for now by lauv (aka the song prompt for the whole fic lmao)</p><p>happy one yr anniv to this <a href="https://twitter.com/NCTsmtown_127/status/1132103361929416704">tweet</a> aka the one that got me into nct three days after it was posted. idk i just love mahae as individuals and as friends so i wrote a fic abt it and posted it exactly a yr after in its honor cuz im a big sap </p><p>tysm for reading &amp; ah im not sure if i'll continue this to the part when they RLY fall in love but if i do, it's probs gonna be a social media au cuz i want to try that but this is my first fic ever and i nvr write so aaa pls be nice ;-;</p><p>
  <a href="https://twitter.com/akzm_dl">twt</a>
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